day and night.

1 It is good to praise the LORD
and make music to your name, O Most High,
2 to proclaim your love in the morning
and your faithfulness at night, (Psalm 92)

I believe I suffer because I fail to do these two things daily. When I awake, I begin my day thinking how horrible it will be. I think about all the terrible things I have to do. I think about how stupid and undisciplined I am, and I start the day thinking that I will inevitably fall and stumble despite how hard and painfully persistent I try or want to try. Then at night, I think about how terrible my day was. I think about the unfathomable and unrealistic list of things I still have yet to complete. I fall asleep, realizing what I failure I truly am, and just want sleep to swallow me whole.

...My misery is derived from one thing and one thing only: the fact that I think way too much about myself is the source of my woe. I begin the day thinking about me. I end the day thinking about me. I know I am worthless; I need not convince myself otherwise, so why do I spend my waking hours thinking about something worthless???

I need to start thinking about God's love in the morning. When I wake up, knowing that He loves me so, so, so very much, how can I resist enjoying the day that HE made especially for me and you? When I fall into deep, sweet slumber, why cannot I be thinking about all the wonderful things, through His faithfulness, He provided for me??? And in between night and day, I have to simply meditate on HIM and forget little old me, and this will perhaps transform my day into something pleasant...it'll make my life a life worth living.

i am a little vapor.

13Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." 14Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. 15Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." 16As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil. 17Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins. (James 4)

I have been struggling with my priorities lately. I've been so absorbed in school and trying to stay motivated to finish well. However, my plans are futile if they don't line up with God's. So why should I make plans without Him?

I am just a little vapor. I am just a mist. When things don't turn out like I want them to, why should I, just a little vapor, expect anything more? I just need to trust in God; He will deliver me.

Dear Lord, I want to be humble. I want to be right before You and You alone...

walking the way.

21 Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it." (Isaiah 29)

To be confident in what path to take is a result of being in God's hands and will result in being in the ultimate place of peace and joy. No matter how the situation turns out, how it may look, how it currently appears, each step we take in God's plan will consequently lead us on the right path. We have to have faith that the "voice" we hear and listen to is God's, and the only way to be certain of that is to be daily in His presence.

In James 1, we are told that if we lack wisdom, we simply have to ask for more and it will be given to us. There is a condition, however, and the condition is that we believe; we cannot doubt. In this case, we need to live our lives, constantly asking for wisdom- godly, eternal, and undeniably pure wisdom from God. He then will grant it to us, and then help us to take those steps needed to lead us along the path of righteousness.


Dear God,

There are so many uncertainties in my life right now. I just pray that You would instill in me an infinitely, amazingly, deep sense of wisdom. I want to hear Your voice, leading me through those valleys and dark places. Help me to walk the way You have intended me to walk, not wavering or falling to the wayside, but with godly fear and confidence.

The world was not worhty of them.

35Women received back their dead, raised to life again. Others were tortured and refused to be released, so that they might gain a better resurrection. 36Some faced jeers and flogging, while still others were chained and put in prison. 37They were stoned[f]; they were sawed in two; they were put to death by the sword. They went about in sheepskins and goatskins, destitute, persecuted and mistreated— 38the world was not worthy of them. They wandered in deserts and mountains, and in caves and holes in the ground. (Hebrew 11)

Paul describes the people of faith, their history, their hardships, and their triumph. Through faith, these men sought after something that wasn't readily apparent at the time, and they acquired something far better than they could ever imagine: a promise. Further in the chapter, Paul speaks about the women and men of faith who were being persecuted at this time for their faith in Jesus Christ.

He describes the torture they willingly suffered and endured from those in opposition to their faith. He talks about them being ridiculed, flogged, incarcerated, and rejected. They were walking in the footsteps of Jesus, and just like He had been wrongly punished, likewise they were experiencing the same. However, their faith allowed them to forge ahead and not give up.

"The world was not worthy of them." I especially like this verse. The world was hurling the worst at them, but it was not because they were worthless, but rather because they were too worthy. In our lives, when we stand up in faith for what we may believe, it may feel like we're pathetic and without merit, but in reality, we experience persecution or opposition because our worth is honored only in the economy of heaven.

sinners in the hands of an angry God.

31It is a dreadful thing to fall into the hands of the living God. (Hebrew 10)

This very verse always reminds me of Jonathan Edwards.:)

Even though we should always try to remember the goodness of God, we must also be conscious of the side of God that is just and fair. If we sin and reject Him, there will be consequences; if we are willing to choose other gods before Him, then there's a realistic yet frightening notion that we'll have to face Him one day. This verse tacts on the adjective "living" to describe God. I think it's an emphasis on the fact that God WILL deal with us. Just because He allows us to be evil and commit sin doesn't mean that He is not unaware of our actions or thoughts; the judgment will come from the living God.

It's important to understand the terror of God, in order for us to think twice about doing things that aren't pleasing to Him. It should deter us, but even more so, His love for us should make us want to behave. It is equally important to hold onto the fact that His love has established His throne. God is good; He is merciful. We shouldn't live in fear of Him, but rather love Him as our disciplinary and leader. We should also never take advantage of that fact that He is so forgiving. We should never deliberately choose to reject Him in the things that we do.

We are sinners. God can be angry. We are in His hands. However, these three things are not necessarily simultaneously occurring. If we repent from our wicked ways, He will hold us lovingly in His hands, without anger and without bitterness. If we don't repent and we continue to reject His ways, then perhaps the three events will occur at one time, which is, in short, just dreadful.

once again.

"once again..." Isaiah 14:1

Second chances are available in God's economy of grace. He offers it willingly for those who want to repent, for those who want to return; He gives it freely to those who want to try again and have another go at it. I am whole-heartedly thankful for His mercy because I need it daily.

I think I'm struggling a bit with taking full advantage of all blessings He does supply; I'm so busy right now with school that I have been trying to organize my time according to my standards, by my needs. I'm taking control of the circumstances; I'm taking the reigns in my own hands . The result of acquirement for independence is probably evident in how I feel right now...lousy.

God's grace is never-ending. He wants us to go back again, and again, and again to replenish and refill our spirits with what is good and pure. Even when we do become so empty that we just want to give up, His arms are open for us to return. It's never too late. It's not "once upon a time" like in the fairy tales, which implies past tense. It's "once again" and this is in real life. He wants us once again.

fearing God and not Calculus

13 The LORD Almighty is the one you are to regard as holy,
he is the one you are to fear,
he is the one you are to dread, (Isaiah 8)

I am so overwhelmed with calculus. I've only had two days of integration, a little over four hours of intense and intimidating instruction, and I am completely, utterly, so, so, so terribly behind. I have not completed or even started any of the homework assignments, not because I don't want to, but because I seriously don't have time. I barely have time to eat or sleep. I'm physically exhausted, and I am emotionally frazzled. This is always on my mind. This is what I fear right now. This is what I dread. How many hours I spend worrying over school? Too much.

God knows calculus. Um. Yeah, to say the least. He understands programming. Hah. Yes, He does. So, if I just trust in Him and try my very hardest, He'll pull me through. I shouldn't waste my time fretting about things I can't change. I just have to be confident that He will give me the wisdom, energy, and ability to do what I have to do. And let's say, I do fail. So what? Maybe I really just have to take a class again to really comprehend the subject matter. That's His will, and I just have to follow it. No matter what though, I have to fear Him and trust Him. It'll all work out in the end...