day and night.

1 It is good to praise the LORD
and make music to your name, O Most High,
2 to proclaim your love in the morning
and your faithfulness at night, (Psalm 92)

I believe I suffer because I fail to do these two things daily. When I awake, I begin my day thinking how horrible it will be. I think about all the terrible things I have to do. I think about how stupid and undisciplined I am, and I start the day thinking that I will inevitably fall and stumble despite how hard and painfully persistent I try or want to try. Then at night, I think about how terrible my day was. I think about the unfathomable and unrealistic list of things I still have yet to complete. I fall asleep, realizing what I failure I truly am, and just want sleep to swallow me whole.

...My misery is derived from one thing and one thing only: the fact that I think way too much about myself is the source of my woe. I begin the day thinking about me. I end the day thinking about me. I know I am worthless; I need not convince myself otherwise, so why do I spend my waking hours thinking about something worthless???

I need to start thinking about God's love in the morning. When I wake up, knowing that He loves me so, so, so very much, how can I resist enjoying the day that HE made especially for me and you? When I fall into deep, sweet slumber, why cannot I be thinking about all the wonderful things, through His faithfulness, He provided for me??? And in between night and day, I have to simply meditate on HIM and forget little old me, and this will perhaps transform my day into something pleasant...it'll make my life a life worth living.

i am a little vapor.

13Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." 14Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. 15Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." 16As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil. 17Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins. (James 4)

I have been struggling with my priorities lately. I've been so absorbed in school and trying to stay motivated to finish well. However, my plans are futile if they don't line up with God's. So why should I make plans without Him?

I am just a little vapor. I am just a mist. When things don't turn out like I want them to, why should I, just a little vapor, expect anything more? I just need to trust in God; He will deliver me.

Dear Lord, I want to be humble. I want to be right before You and You alone...

walking the way.

21 Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it." (Isaiah 29)

To be confident in what path to take is a result of being in God's hands and will result in being in the ultimate place of peace and joy. No matter how the situation turns out, how it may look, how it currently appears, each step we take in God's plan will consequently lead us on the right path. We have to have faith that the "voice" we hear and listen to is God's, and the only way to be certain of that is to be daily in His presence.

In James 1, we are told that if we lack wisdom, we simply have to ask for more and it will be given to us. There is a condition, however, and the condition is that we believe; we cannot doubt. In this case, we need to live our lives, constantly asking for wisdom- godly, eternal, and undeniably pure wisdom from God. He then will grant it to us, and then help us to take those steps needed to lead us along the path of righteousness.


Dear God,

There are so many uncertainties in my life right now. I just pray that You would instill in me an infinitely, amazingly, deep sense of wisdom. I want to hear Your voice, leading me through those valleys and dark places. Help me to walk the way You have intended me to walk, not wavering or falling to the wayside, but with godly fear and confidence.

The world was not worhty of them.

35Women received back their dead, raised to life again. Others were tortured and refused to be released, so that they might gain a better resurrection. 36Some faced jeers and flogging, while still others were chained and put in prison. 37They were stoned[f]; they were sawed in two; they were put to death by the sword. They went about in sheepskins and goatskins, destitute, persecuted and mistreated— 38the world was not worthy of them. They wandered in deserts and mountains, and in caves and holes in the ground. (Hebrew 11)

Paul describes the people of faith, their history, their hardships, and their triumph. Through faith, these men sought after something that wasn't readily apparent at the time, and they acquired something far better than they could ever imagine: a promise. Further in the chapter, Paul speaks about the women and men of faith who were being persecuted at this time for their faith in Jesus Christ.

He describes the torture they willingly suffered and endured from those in opposition to their faith. He talks about them being ridiculed, flogged, incarcerated, and rejected. They were walking in the footsteps of Jesus, and just like He had been wrongly punished, likewise they were experiencing the same. However, their faith allowed them to forge ahead and not give up.

"The world was not worthy of them." I especially like this verse. The world was hurling the worst at them, but it was not because they were worthless, but rather because they were too worthy. In our lives, when we stand up in faith for what we may believe, it may feel like we're pathetic and without merit, but in reality, we experience persecution or opposition because our worth is honored only in the economy of heaven.

sinners in the hands of an angry God.

31It is a dreadful thing to fall into the hands of the living God. (Hebrew 10)

This very verse always reminds me of Jonathan Edwards.:)

Even though we should always try to remember the goodness of God, we must also be conscious of the side of God that is just and fair. If we sin and reject Him, there will be consequences; if we are willing to choose other gods before Him, then there's a realistic yet frightening notion that we'll have to face Him one day. This verse tacts on the adjective "living" to describe God. I think it's an emphasis on the fact that God WILL deal with us. Just because He allows us to be evil and commit sin doesn't mean that He is not unaware of our actions or thoughts; the judgment will come from the living God.

It's important to understand the terror of God, in order for us to think twice about doing things that aren't pleasing to Him. It should deter us, but even more so, His love for us should make us want to behave. It is equally important to hold onto the fact that His love has established His throne. God is good; He is merciful. We shouldn't live in fear of Him, but rather love Him as our disciplinary and leader. We should also never take advantage of that fact that He is so forgiving. We should never deliberately choose to reject Him in the things that we do.

We are sinners. God can be angry. We are in His hands. However, these three things are not necessarily simultaneously occurring. If we repent from our wicked ways, He will hold us lovingly in His hands, without anger and without bitterness. If we don't repent and we continue to reject His ways, then perhaps the three events will occur at one time, which is, in short, just dreadful.

once again.

"once again..." Isaiah 14:1

Second chances are available in God's economy of grace. He offers it willingly for those who want to repent, for those who want to return; He gives it freely to those who want to try again and have another go at it. I am whole-heartedly thankful for His mercy because I need it daily.

I think I'm struggling a bit with taking full advantage of all blessings He does supply; I'm so busy right now with school that I have been trying to organize my time according to my standards, by my needs. I'm taking control of the circumstances; I'm taking the reigns in my own hands . The result of acquirement for independence is probably evident in how I feel right now...lousy.

God's grace is never-ending. He wants us to go back again, and again, and again to replenish and refill our spirits with what is good and pure. Even when we do become so empty that we just want to give up, His arms are open for us to return. It's never too late. It's not "once upon a time" like in the fairy tales, which implies past tense. It's "once again" and this is in real life. He wants us once again.

fearing God and not Calculus

13 The LORD Almighty is the one you are to regard as holy,
he is the one you are to fear,
he is the one you are to dread, (Isaiah 8)

I am so overwhelmed with calculus. I've only had two days of integration, a little over four hours of intense and intimidating instruction, and I am completely, utterly, so, so, so terribly behind. I have not completed or even started any of the homework assignments, not because I don't want to, but because I seriously don't have time. I barely have time to eat or sleep. I'm physically exhausted, and I am emotionally frazzled. This is always on my mind. This is what I fear right now. This is what I dread. How many hours I spend worrying over school? Too much.

God knows calculus. Um. Yeah, to say the least. He understands programming. Hah. Yes, He does. So, if I just trust in Him and try my very hardest, He'll pull me through. I shouldn't waste my time fretting about things I can't change. I just have to be confident that He will give me the wisdom, energy, and ability to do what I have to do. And let's say, I do fail. So what? Maybe I really just have to take a class again to really comprehend the subject matter. That's His will, and I just have to follow it. No matter what though, I have to fear Him and trust Him. It'll all work out in the end...

trusting others.

5 Do not trust a neighbor;
put no confidence in a friend.
Even with her who lies in your embrace
be careful of your words.

6 For a son dishonors his father,
a daughter rises up against her mother,
a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law—
a man's enemies are the members of his own household.

7 But as for me, I watch in hope for the LORD,
I wait for God my Savior;
my God will hear me. (Micah 7)

We all go through various phases in our lives. When we're young we are totally vulnerable and dependent on others; we trust people with little reservation not because we choose to but because it's the nature of our survival. Then, during adolescence we become completely cynical to authority. We don't necessary rebel, but we doubt whether or not older people can relate to us or understand us. But it's during this time that we give our unadulterated trust to our peers; we believe what they think, we trust their judgment. But then we become adults. We begin to realize our folly as teenagers, and we begin to shed some of the reservations we had about authority, but we're in an awkward state in our lives, or at least I am.

I want to trust people, really I do, but I can't. So many peole have let down, I have a hard time finding credibility in anything. I think I want to trust people because I want to place my reliance on something tangible, something concrete. But in Micah, we're not asked to trust anyone; our faith is not constructed on something tangible or concrete. We only suppose to trust God, which is hard but it is necessary to remain steady in this life. People will let you down; it's almost guaranteed. God will never, and that is a guarantee.

laziness.

11We want each of you to show this same diligence to the very end, in order to make your hope sure. 12We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised. (Hebrews 6)

We are exhorted to continue with perseverance until the very end. We should not lose patience, endurance, or hope, even when everything seems so dull, so mundane. We should continue on without wavering and without faltering, even when times appear stagnant. And yet, it is during these calms after the turbulent storms that we have the tendancy to not rest but rather become lazy. Without a battle raging before us, we have difficulty summoning any energy and effort for a cause that seems so far away. So, we become lackadaisical. We become slothful. We become almost useless.

Don't become lazy. Even when there doesn't seem like there's much spiritual warfare happening, there is. There is always something for us to do, even if we're not in the middle of the battle fighting. We can always pray on the sidelines. There are millions who need it. In those moments that we feel restless and simply lazy, perhaps we should get our eyes checked. We should focus them on Jesus, and see what He has for us to do.

physically fit.

4 My heart is blighted and withered like grass;
I forget to eat my food. (Psalm 102)

This is just like me; in my depression, I lose my appetite. It's almost as if I enjoy the physical pangs of hunger, as if I feel I deserve to endure the weakness and fatigue. Food is normally equated with fun and celebration, and when there is something to mourn about, it falls quickly to the bottom of my list.

Lately, I've been eating heartily, which probably means I'm not as depressed as normal. :) However, there are things in the back of my mind that keep arising, adding pressure to my head. I really shouldn't let them surface though. I should really take it one step at a time.

Dear God,

Thank you for a beautiful weekend :). Please help me to stay joyful but also healthy, especially for when times get tough again. I want to be physically strong and spiritually ready for tribulation. I want to triumph because I have found strength in You.

sympathy.

15For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin. 16Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. (Hebrews 4)


In sundry places and during various times I dismissed the possibility that anyone could understand my plight and problem. I could not fathom anybody understanding my predicament, my anxiety, or my fears simply because they seemed too great for someone who wasn't in my shoes to grasp. How could they understand?

Yet, Jesus does. As our High Priest, He not only is there to counsel and help, He has experienced the very human sufferings and pains we experience now, even in our present day. Rejection, loneliness, fear, betrayal...He's felt it all, but to the extreme. What He experienced is far greater than anything we could ever experience because He was completely innocent. The question is now, how could we EVER understand what it felt like to be Him and to be in His situation.

However, He doesn't ask us to sympathize with Him; He simply offers His sympathy to us. He really knows and really understands and really wants to help us in our time of sorrow.

sowing wind.

7 "They sow the wind
and reap the whirlwind. (Hosea 8)

What is it that I spend most of time doing? Am I just sowing the wind, of which the seeds are empty, worthless, and void of any value? Because if I am, if I have dedicated any part of my being to something that is as empty as the wind, I will surely reap the whirlwind. Contrary to what I might hope for, opposite of what I may perceive, I will not simply gain nothingess or end up empty handed like the wind, but rather I will experience the destruction and catastrophe of wasting my time and effort...I will be caught in the whirlwind of this world.

I want to sow seeds that have meaning, that will yield abundant crop. The only way I can be productive is by abiding in the Vine, and then the fruit I bear will be of the Spirit.

returning the love.

2 So I bought her for fifteen shekels [a] of silver and about a homer and a lethek [b] of barley. 3 Then I told her, "You are to live with [c] me many days; you must not be a prostitute or be intimate with any man, and I will live with [d] you."

God's love for us is conditional; there is one thing we must do in return; we must love Him back; we must surrender our whole, entire hearts to Him and Him only; He must be the only one; no questions, no if's, no exceptions. That's the condition.

Hosea understood God's condition. His heart was fully given to God, not Gomer. Perhaps he loved her, but his real love was for God, which then resonanted and spilled over to wife. The only real way he could accept her back was through his faithfulness to God. Without God's love, I'm sure it would be difficult for him to take her back.

Perhaps if we would dedicate our lives to God, wholly and completely, we would be able to do even the hardest tasks we're confronted with daily. Perhaps we would love like we have never loved before.

reservations.

2 When the LORD began to speak through Hosea, the LORD said to him, "Go, take to yourself an adulterous wife and children of unfaithfulness, because the land is guilty of the vilest adultery in departing from the LORD." (Hosea 1)

I wonder how Hosea felt about taking Gomer to be his wife, knowing full well that she would leave him. Did he love her from the beginning? Obviously, he was being obedient to God, but I wonder if he really surrendered his heart to her completely. Perhaps, knowing that she would commit adultery, he loved her with reservation.

Is loving someone with reservation sufficient? God doesn't love us with any reservation, even though he knows we will abandon Him and follow others. Even though He knows our hearts, the wickedness and everything we think and feel, He still loves us. I want to love with that kind of love...

I'm so glad we can count on God; there is no need for us to ever hold any reservations. He will not ever be adulterous, so we can love Him fully and completely now...and forever.

pride.

16 But after Uzziah became powerful, his pride led to his downfall. He was unfaithful to the LORD his God (2Chronicles 26)

Even when we think we have all our enemies, vices, and evils in check, we sometimes forget the most dangerous force is within our own souls. Uzziah was a mighty man at one time. He fought against countless opponents, and yet he conquered them and strengthened his nation. He was up against some hard situations, but somehow he managed to get through them. But amid all his ambitions and success, this great man and warrior failed to realize his greatest weakness was himself and his pride.

No man can escape this downfall. All men must bow down. Either you choose to be humble or you become humbled. Not only should we be aware of this in our every day encounters with other people and with God, but we should also be conscious of it when we're dealing with those who have fallen. It's a very painful thing to have such a downfall. We need to show them grace. I'm sure Uzziah was not only reminded daily of his failure, but I'm sure he was filled with an unfathomable amount of shame and regret. For all those Uzziahs out there, you're not alone. Return to God.

rest.

7 Be at rest once more, O my soul,
for the LORD has been good to you. (Psalm 116)

The soul is not always at rest; there are times of disturbance; there are moments of wake and tremble; there are feelings of fatigue and weariness. In this life, we cannot expect calm and placid waves upon these corrupt shores. People will inevitably come in and destroy any peace that we were feeling. We will inevitably make mistakes that will cause our own lives to crumble. However, these disturbances, intrusions, and mishaps are only momentarily. God will make restoration if we allow Him to.

Perhaps one of the most difficult parts of restoration is giving up all control and surrending all anxiety and fear. When the calm comes again, when the rest is given once more, we are unfortunate to have the tendancy to be suspicious and paranoid. We cannot enjoy the rest fully because we are so afraid of what might happen next or we are so overwhelmed by what did happen. Instead, like David, we just have to be grateful for the rest we are given and be thankful that God is so, so, so good to us.

trust.

22 Stop trusting in man,
who has but a breath in his nostrils.
Of what account is he? (Isaiah 2)

Much of my woe is derived from trusting in men, and then feeling the disappointment and letdown of their failure. How often I have entrusted my heart to people, how many times have I hoped in mankind, how quickly have I become vulnerable in the hands of family and friends to be hurt because of their inconsideration and negligence?

I believe most of my pain is from trusting people. I'm not saying that we should live our lives cynically. Or that we should just assume the worst in everybody. However, we should NEVER, NEVER, NEVER trust anyone more than we trust God. We should always keep a little part of our heart conscious of the fact that someone, anyone, everyone might hurt us. While we should reserve a big part of our heart in an awareness that God will NEVER hurt us or let us down. If we live with this mentality, I think we would be less vulnerable.